StandUp Truth
by December
Summary: Future fic. A young woman witnesses something interesting at a comedy show and comes to a few conclusions of her own. Dasey, Ralph. Contains spoilers for "Cheerleader Casey".


"Wow," the young woman smiled as her boyfriend led her to a table near the front. "I can't believe you actually got us tickets to a taping of a real stand-up routine! A Comedy Central Presents! I'm just amazed."

"I try," the young man said as he pulled out the chair for his date before seating himself. "Got a great table; pulled some strings. It is your birthday, after all."

"I did notice the location of the table," she smiled a little nervously as she glanced at her date. "Is sitting in the front a good idea? I'm not sure how I'll handle being picked on, especially if the comic is harsh. I'm nervous enough about my dress as it is!"

"You look beautiful," he assured her. "And it's a great table. We're right next to the secret VIP table," he added as he pointed to their right.

Looking over at the table next to them, the woman took in the interesting configuration. There were two couples and a blond guy there without a date, but he clearly knew the couples. At least she thought there were two couples. The interracial couple was acting like a couple, with hugs and cutesy smiles. The other couple, the brunette and the brown haired hottie, actually seemed to be arguing. And…did she actually just hit him? Apparently, whatever they were, they behavior was normal because besides a few eye rolls the rest of table ignored it.

She had been so engrossed in staring at the table that it took a minute for her boyfriend's statement to completely click. "Wait a minute," she spun to face him, "Secret VIP table? Who has a secret VIP table?"

Her boyfriend shrugged. "Supposedly, they are friends of the comic, here to surprise him. I only got this table by agreeing not to let the comic know they are here."

"Huh," the girlfriend said as she pushed her newly relaxed hair behind her right ear.

She probably would have commented again, if the announcer hadn't taken that moment to start, "From the Dream Theater in Balitmore, Comedy Central presents, Ralph."

As the audience clapped and stood to their feet, a late twenty-something ran onto the stage. In washed out jeans, a brown almost psychedelic T-shirt, and sneakers, the white boy looked like a surfer on a day with no waves. The earning and the hemp necklace sealed the picture. His opening, "Whoa, dudes! Nice, nice. Thanks for that," played into the picture as well.

As everyone took their seats and Ralph took the microphone, the audience turned their attention to him. "Well, I'm Ralph. And I figured I'd start off by explaining where I'm from.

"I'm from Canada. Not California. Canada. For some reason that was more of point of confusion than I ever expected. Not sure why? I've only been to L.A. like once, and part of the plea deal is that I don't talk about what happened."

The audience laughed a little here, and after a pause, the comic continued.

"But, yeah. I'm from Canada. For those of you who don't know, that's the big country to your north. And the confusion seems to be widespread. I mean, I'd tell audience members I was from Canada, and I get 'Oh, from where in California? I have a niece in San Fran!' or 'Canada? That's in Oregon, right? I heard the surfing is choice!

"I mean, even a reporter recently asked me where I was born and I said London, Ontario. She follows up with, 'London? Really? What was that like? And how did you lose your British accent? You sound almost normal!'"

Some other audience members laughed a little at that.

"So, I'm from Canada, hence the flag behind me," Ralph continued as he gestured to the huge red and white flag in the backdrop, "and I'm still trying to figure out the States. I usually end up trying to do it alone, mainly because my best friend never comes to see my sets."

At that observation a lot of the women in the audience, including the birthday girl fell into a chorus of "Awww." Out of the corner of her eye, the birthday girl also noticed the brunette hit her brown haired companion in the arm again.

"Now my best friend is a professional athlete, hockey in case you care, and as girls keep telling me, he's 'extremely hot,' so he always had a conflict. Before he married, he was always out picking up girls. After he married, he was always at home with the wifey.

"Now my manager, when I was complaining about this one day, actually said, 'So, you feel better about him not making it now because he has a family?' You would think so, but no.

"You see, at least when he was chasing girls, he was living up to his hype. He might even bring back one for me. Okay, he never did," the audience laughed at this point, "But he might have. Really. We did almost go on a double date with twins once.

"But now that's he's married…. Dude, you leave wifey at home or bring her or something. I mean, you're married. If you aren't going to have fun, don't have fun with me." Some of the married men started to laugh but quickly stopped when their wives leveled looks at them.

Ralph shook his head as he rested the hand not holding his microphone on the bar stool on stage that held his water. "But, it's a good thing he's not here tonight, so I can talk trash about him and not get my ass kicked." The crowd laughed good-naturedly in response.

"Now, I realize you may not know this because everyone here is so into this whole 'football' thing," the comic stopped to shudder, "but, hockey players are a dangerous group. They fight routinely as part of their sport, and I'm a little too me to survive a well placed check. So, I don't make the best friend angry. Or his wife. I actually think I'm a touch more scared of her. For a variety of reasons you'll hear tonight."

After a pause to sip some water. "So, the other reason I'm alone is because I'm single."

At that, a "yeah!" sounded from the back of the room.

"Um, thanks for that, sir," the comic replied, "But I still don't think that helps your situation," the audience laughed at that.

"So, as I was saying, I'm single, but I've had three great loves of my life, none of which worked out. So, in an effort to share my pain…and save a little on alcohol at the end of the night, I'm going to tell you all about the three amazing women who tolerated me for a hot second: Casey, Anna, and Martika."

The birthday girl almost missed the next part of the routine from the flurry of reaction from the VIP table. Among the assorted reactions, the brunette had blinked in surprise, which made the birthday girl wonder if she was one of Ralph's amazing women.

But Ralph was now sharing how he used to talk about his love life. "Now, when I first started the routine about the girls, I tried using fake names. That didn't work out too well. Well, first, as you might be able to tell, I'm not the sharpest tool in the box," after pausing to stare at an audience member off to his right, he said, "Ma'am, you said 'no shit' just a bit too fast there. Try not to abuse my ego so early in the night," the comic over-exaggerated swiping a fake tear. "It's just so hard to be alone.

"But, anyway, as I was saying, not that bright. So I was getting the names all confused and it wasn't pretty, so I decided to use real names instead. And I figured I was safe because, well, Casey would never come to a show. Anna is slower than I am and would never figure out I was talking about her. And Martika has a good sense of humor."

After a pause, he added, "And the bitch deserves it," to the audience howls.

"And actually, to start talking about how I ended up with Casey, we have to talk about my best friend, Derek. You know, the one who stays home with wifey instead of coming out to see me. Which is kinda ironic in a sense…but I'll get to that later.

"Well, this was back in high school, and Derek was Mr. Stud even back then. That particular day I was a little worried about him, however. Recently he had been shot down by this hot blonde and I didn't think he was taking it well.

"So, when I saw him at the cheerleader tryouts, I was relieved. I thought he was there to pick a girl from the girl buffet," Ralph paused at the gasps from some of the audience. "Why are you so surprised? What part of high school boys did you not get?

"Anyway, he insisted he was there to laugh at Casey, who was trying out. Now, I don't have the time to talk about the whole Derek and Casey thing, because that's like a three hour special, but Casey tried out, Derek laughed, and I was amazingly impressed. Chick was flexible. That can be important to a teenage boy. Hell, that's important to a grown ass man!"

That generated a lot of laughter, even from three people at the VIP table…although the birthday girl got the feeling they weren't laughing for the same reason as the rest of the audience. The big tip off to that is that they had started laughing after Ralph had said "the whole Derek and Casey thing, because that's like a three hour special." The brunette and her hottie, who weren't laughing, seemed just a bit uncomfortable at that moment.

The audience had moved on, of course. Amongst the laughter, the guy in the back shouted "yeah" again. "Now this time, sir," Ralph smiled, "I completely agree with you."

"So anyway, before try-outs were over – but after Casey was finished, mind you – Derek is making eyes at the head cheerleader. And there was hope for my friend yet.

"So, after tryouts, I'm with him as he begins his approach. And I ask him what line he is going to use and he says 'uh…nice shoes?' And I, thinking he is serious, congratulate him on getting his groove back because I thought the whole being shot down thing had taken away his confidence.

At some laughter in the audience, he nodded in acknowledgement, "I know, I know. Not so sharp a tool. But anyway, he approached her, said something, and came back with a phone number.

"Now I, being me, actually thought he used the shoe line and it worked. And so I asked if I could use it and he let me. So I walked away practicing it, convinced it would work."

"I should say here," Ralph paused to explain. "That I live in denial. I actually have property there. It's a nice place; you should check it out." The audience laughed at that. "So there was no doubt in my mind that this would work with Casey."

"Later that day, I walk up to Casey and I say, 'Hey, Casey.'

"'Hi, Ralph,' she said, looking a little sad, which made me sad because I'm a sensitive guy like that." After a beat, Ralph confessed, "Okay, I'm not a sensitive guy like that, but saying you are gets you more action,"

That statement caused another "yeah" from the back. "I'm beginning to think that's the only word he knows!" Ralph observed, leading to more laughing and clapping in the audience.

"But after Casey says hi, I said, 'Have I ever told you I really like those shoes?'

"She said, 'Oh, these? They're just ballet flats, not so special, I got them on sale and…well, you don't want to know all of that.' Then she took a deep breath and touched my arm. After this she said, 'Thanks, Ralph, I really needed that today.' Then she gave me a little hug and walked away.

"Now for most guys that would have signaled that the line didn't work. But for me, a land owner in denial, I called that 'the beginning'!" that observation was greeted with laughs. "I wasn't even worried about the fact she was dating the football quarterback because I was that sure Derek's line had given me an in. You understand that, don't you, sir?" Ralph asked the male half of couple sitting in the middle. "I mean, since you think that the hot girl with you may actually give you some at the end of the night, right?" As the audience laughed and the guy sputtered, Ralph continued, "I mean, she's out of your league. And wait, I think you look familiar! You have property in denial, too. Aren't we like neighbors or something?"

As the laughs died down, Ralph posed a question to the audience. "Ladies, I honestly have to know this. Would the line 'nice shoes' actually have worked on any of you? Raise your hand if talking about your shoes would have gotten me an in."

About this point, the birthday girl lost interest in the comic on stage. It wasn't that he was bad; judging from her boyfriend's laughter, he was actually rather funny. It was just the dynamics of the secret VIP table were better. The brunette spent most of Ralph's bit on Casey blushing…when she wasn't hitting her hottie. By this point, he was actually rubbing his arm and wincing a little. It was about the third hit that the birthday girl noticed the beautiful and tasteful diamond solitaire and gold band on the brunette's hand. So they were a couple. A married couple. That explained a few things.

What snapped the birthday girl's attention back to the stage was the beginning of the Martika bit. The show was rounding into the last third as Ralph turned to talking about Martika, who he met at "Casey and Derek's wedding. Oh, look! Look! People are seeing the irony now. Isn't it great?"

Ralph prefaced talking about Martika by sharing, "Now every time I share that Casey is the 'wifey' that keeps my best friend at home, I have a lot of people look at me and say, 'But wait, didn't he laugh at her during those cheerleading tryouts? And mess with her during the school musical? And wasn't he happy to celebrate 'Derekus' in Florida with you because she wouldn't be around?

"You see, what I neglected to tell you is that Derek used to be the primary landholder in denial. He'd bought a ton of property there just after he met Casey. He actually sold me my second house in denial after they finally got engaged. Denial – all guys live there for a little while.

"What?" Ralph said as the audience laughed, "It's nice. It has beer and Sports Center and hot babes who think you are amazing. Besides, we males have to vacation there or else we never approach a female at all. Even if she had nice shoes."

After Ralph finished up his set, he received a standing ovation. After the comic had left the stage and the house lights had come up, her boyfriend had tried to get her to leave, but she shushed him. All of her attention was on the secret VIP table and their reactions. She couldn't hear the conversations, not without being too obvious in her observations, but did catch a few things that she found interesting. She saw the brunette kiss the poor man she had been abusing all night. She saw what looked like a lot of in-group teasing. And she was sure she heard the brunette utter an annoyed, "Der-ek!" in the direction of the brown haired hottie.

Soon, the table occupants were led backstage. After they left, the birthday girl shook her head. "It's a shame, really."

"What's a shame?" her puzzled boyfriend asked her. "I thought he was pretty good, actually."

"Oh, no. Not that. It's just I think I've figured out who some of the people were at that secret VIP table."

"And?"

"And I think Ralph is going to get his ass kicked by a hockey player."

- the end -


End file.
